Soft Parenting or Stronger Children? Rethinking Discipline and Growth
The Pride of Parenting
Being a father for nearly three years now, I’ve observed a vast spectrum of parenting styles. Parenting is a sensitive topic—many feel that any critique of their approach is a judgment of their capability as parents.
I’m fortunate to have married someone with a master’s degree specializing in child psychology. But I’ve noticed that when I bring up scientific research or statistics on emotional and behavioral child development, they’re often dismissed in parenting discussions.
When I mention gentle parenting, I’m frequently met with responses like, “Just wait until they’re older and see if gentle parenting still works,” or “My child is too strong-willed for that.”
But let’s take a moment to truly understand what gentle parenting is.
What is Gentle Parenting?
Gentle parenting is a child-rearing approach that prioritizes empathy, respect, understanding, and positive discipline over traditional authoritarian methods. It focuses on fostering a strong parent-child relationship through guidance rather than punishment.
Its core principles include:
Respect for the child – Treating children as individuals with valid emotions and thoughts, rather than dismissing their feelings.
Empathy and understanding – Helping children process emotions rather than suppressing them.
Positive discipline – Setting clear, consistent boundaries with patience and explanation instead of using fear or punishment.
Encouraging independence and problem-solving – Allowing children to express themselves, make decisions, and learn through natural consequences.
This approach fosters emotional intelligence, self-discipline, and secure attachment, laying a foundation for lifelong emotional and behavioral well-being.
The Misconception of “Soft” Children
Many parents fear that gentle parenting will raise children who are “soft,” unable to handle the real world due to a lack of strict discipline. But if we look at the generations following the Baby Boomers—who were often raised under traditional authoritarian parenting—we see record-breaking numbers of individuals seeking therapy for anxiety, depression, and emotional struggles.
This begs the question: Where does this all stem from?
Many of these struggles arise from the very issues gentle parenting seeks to address. When children grow up being told to suppress their emotions, they enter adulthood still practicing these habits—with no understanding of how to process, express, or regulate their feelings.
Example 1: “Don’t Cry, You’re Okay”
This simple phrase teaches children that sadness is undesirable and displeases the parent. Over time, they internalize that feeling sad is wrong.
Fast forward to adulthood:
They lose a loved one.
They experience heartbreak.
They fail to get their dream job or college acceptance.
But they’ve never been taught how to process these emotions. Instead, they suppress them, leading to unprocessed grief, anxiety, and emotional breakdowns. Anxiety is our mind’s way of signaling that something needs to be addressed—but if we’ve never been taught how to process emotions, the pressure builds until it shatters.
It may happen at work.
It may happen in a relationship.
It may happen in public, on a friend, or even on themselves.
By not allowing children to express emotions in a healthy way, we create adults who struggle to handle life’s inevitable hardships.
Example 2: “Let Me Do It, It’s Easier and You Might Do It Wrong”
This phrase, often said in moments of exhaustion, teaches children that their efforts aren’t valuable unless they’re perfect.
As a result:
In school, they hesitate to raise their hands.
At work, they avoid sharing ideas.
They don’t apply for promotions.
They fear failure so much that they stop trying new things altogether.
What could have been an ambitious, curious individual instead becomes someone who avoids stepping out of their comfort zone.
Gentle Parenting Requires More From Parents
I believe that gentle parenting is often dismissed because it demands a greater sacrifice from parents. It requires more time, patience, and energy than traditional parenting methods.
“Don’t cry, you’re okay.” → “I don’t have the energy to deal with your emotions right now, so we’ll ignore them.”
“Let me do it, it’s easier.” → “I’m exhausted and this needs to get done—I don’t have time to teach you right now.”
And in most cases, these responses come from the way we were raised ourselves. We normalize taking the easier route because it’s what we know.
Does this mean traditional parenting is bad? No.
Traditional parenting is the most efficient form of parenting—it achieves immediate results with the least resistance.
When you’re a sleep-deprived parent juggling work, finances, and daily responsibilities, it’s understandable to take this route. The world constantly demands more from us, and the weight of life’s responsibilities can feel like drowning in the ocean—just as we reach the shore, another wave pulls us back under.
The Hidden Cost of Efficiency
Traditional parenting often shifts some of the emotional burden from parent to child.
“Don’t cry, you’re okay.” → “I’m too tired to process your emotions, so you’ll have to do it yourself.”
“Let me do it, it’s easier.” → “I don’t have time to teach you, so you’ll have to learn it later.”
The problem?
When children reach adulthood, they’re already emotionally exhausted before they even begin facing life’s challenges.
The Harder, But More Effective Path
Gentle parenting requires more effort but yields stronger, healthier children in the long run.
Instead of:
“Don’t cry, you’re okay.” → “It’s okay to feel sad, and here’s how we work through those feelings.”
“Let me do it, it’s easier.” → “Let’s do this together—you might not get it right the first time, but that’s how we learn.”
Gentle parenting isn’t about eliminating discipline—it’s about investing more time and effort into how discipline is taught.
It asks parents to:
Take an extra hour to teach rather than complete a task alone.
Regulate their own emotions so their children learn to regulate theirs.
Accept failure—not just from their children, but from themselves.
It’s Okay to Fail—As Parents, and As People
No parent is perfect.
There will be moments of frustration. There will be times when we yell, dismiss emotions, or take the easier route.
But the most valuable lesson we can teach our children is that failure is okay.
“Daddy yelled at you earlier, and that wasn’t okay. I’m sorry—I didn’t handle my emotions well.”
“Mommy was really tired earlier, and I should have taken the time to ask you what was wrong.”
Children don’t just learn from what we say—they learn from how we handle our own mistakes.
The Long-Term Impact of Gentle Parenting
Our children are like saplings growing into trees. Every moment we spend nurturing them makes them stronger, more resilient, and better prepared for life’s storms.
At times, gentle parenting may feel like we’re giving them water that we ourselves need. But I truly believe that when we pour into them, something incredible happens—we begin to heal the wounds we never realized we carried.